Anyone who hangs out in the knitblogoverse will have seen numerous posts over the last week giving thanks for various aspects of life. As a britblogger there's no thanksgiving to prompt these sentiments, but I wanted to join in for other reasons.
I'm Lucky. Lucky because I have a job, a home, a loving husband, an adorable son and all the material things which make life more than comfortable. I'm saying this for two reasons - firstly, because it's true, and secondly because I am engaging in a concerted period of positive thinking.
The reason for this is deeply personal, and if I explain it, then I will also account for my absence over the last month. 3 weeks ago I had a miscarriage, my third in 6 months - all of them lost in the earliest stages (5-6 weeks) along with the hope that they had brought. I had some time off work, I stayed at home and lost myself in domestic life - baking, knitting, shopping, tidying. It was a brief interlude in a hectic work schedule and I am glad that I listened to my husband and my GP who told me to stop and take some time.
For someone who researches for a living, it's tempting at these times to read and digest all that the internet, message boards, cranky organisations and the medical establishment has to say about recurrent miscarriage and its causes. Last night, it struck me that I should tackle this in the way that I - and many other women - tackled the prospect and reality of labour, by thinking positively about it. Hypno birthing and the words of Ina May Gaskin prove (to me at least) that physiological processes are affected by psychological ones, and that it's possible to use this to your advantage. When I was labouring with the bean, I used the mantra 'I trust my body' to reinforce a belief that I could birth my baby gently, at home in the way that I wanted. It worked well - my son was born under water into my hands, 20 hours after SROM, and I managed the entire labour without drugs, just TENS and water for pain relief. It was amazing, and I found the birth a very empowering event.
Coming back to the present, my mantra is still 'I trust my body' but I'm adding other thoughts too: 'I'm lucky' is another. I want to DO something to increase the chances that there wont be any more miscarriages, and this seems a good way to go. We're booked into the local hospital for tests in the New Year, but I'm hoping we won't need them.
